Life sucks then you die!

The thoughts and beliefs I had before getting clean, after getting clean and on and off at times even today. I was so close to suicide between sticking my shotgun in my mouth loaded with magnum shells and being in self pity for extended periods of time I was a mess. I obviously did not pull the trigger that day and had days where I regretted not pulling it. My misery was from my brain and I was listening to it compulsively.. Of course I would listen to my own brain because I am a smart guy, maybe smarter than most everybody, I thought. See what was coming from my brain? More later.